My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
