how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
