I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
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The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
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Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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