id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
