Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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