why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
