he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Randomize
