This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Are my feet made of real feet?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
