Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
