I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
