In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
