you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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