you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I am available for nakedness
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