I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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