we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
