I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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