I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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