You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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