Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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