if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
