I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
