I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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