Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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