Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Send help, water and tortillas.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
