I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
This is my gift to your gina
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
