Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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