I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
