: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Me. At least after what I've been through.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Randomize
