his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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