he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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