If that was your dad, he is hot
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
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