You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
