i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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