remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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