he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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