we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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