During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
