im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
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i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
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You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life