I feel like abortions should bother me more
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit