I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
