having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
