I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
and she was petting her beer can
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
