His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
