In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
