found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
