The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
