My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
