ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
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