just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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