Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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