I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
