happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
