I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
