So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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