Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
