you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
