My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
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I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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