mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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